


Applying the Concept of Bribery

by DilynAliceBlake



Category: Avengers
Genre: F/F, Giant Popcorn From the Sky, Loki Does What He Wants, M/M, mentions of child abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 10:41:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6563077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DilynAliceBlake/pseuds/DilynAliceBlake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Look what I finally fixed after taking it down from FF.net years ago!!!  By fixed I mean rewrote what's missing and made gayer!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Bribery was prevalent on Asgard as much as anywhere else, (a fair amount due to Loki himself). Loki had always been the type to look out for his own interests first and foremost. In exchange for something desired, someone would do something they might otherwise not. The idea of using bribery to avoid punishment, however, was a _wholly Midgardian_ concept.

On Asgard you reaped the punishment you sought, it was fairly earned if you were careless enough to get caught. The Allfather would not budge his stance, stubborn oaf that he was. (A hereditary trait which made Loki begrudgingly thankful for his origins.)

Loki found the Midgardian aspect of "looking the other way" in the courts and jails to be positively _delightful_. He had discovered it while flipping through channels on the Television box that passed for entertainment on this realm. Someone "just happened to" leave out important information and a set of keys to a high speed vehicle to assist a vigilante in exchange for information on the person's family.

A different currency for different people or situations was also something Loki was familiar with. He decided to do a trial run, then changed his mind and decided he only really had one use for the idea. When the phrase "go big or go home" came to mind he wondered if he hadn't maybe been assimilating too much of the culture into his thinking, even for the whole "know thine enemy" instinct which usually kept him alive.


	2. Chapter 2

Natasha was the first. Loki slipped a few fashion magazines from her section of the Avenger's Tower, taking careful note of the items circled. The disappearance of the magazines caused her to rage and seethe at everyone in the tower until she determined that they were not only not guilty, but also sufficiently scared off the idea not to even think of attempting it. When, some days later an entire three story shopping center disappeared because he was feeling rather bored, he remembered to deposit anything that struck him as especially to her taste onto her floor of the Avenger's Tower.

The next time there was a confrontation, she cocked her gun just a fraction of a second slower, and one of her eyebrows twitched. The message was quite clear to Loki. "I'm not going to be foolishly hasty. What are you playing at?" Interesting, she was willing to hear him out, so to speak. Loki lifted one of his own eyebrows in response, rather than smirk. Smirking would imply that she was playing into his hands for some sort of trap, or that he had won something. He didn't want her on guard. "Curious?" the look conveyed. "Play my game." All this happened in the few seconds before he was being carted off to some new cage, only to escape before he got there.


	3. Chapter 3

Thor next, he would be easiest. Loki was causing his usual chaos, giant popcorn blocking entire highways, overflowing lakes, and generally bringing about havoc, when the lummox showed up. One word spoken coolly, much more distant than affectionate, was enough to halt Thor mid swing of his hammer.

"Brother," Loki addressed him. "This Midgardian food has displeased me, and I am expressing my displeasure to the city's populace." At that, Thor lit up like a Christmas tree, beaming at the fact that Loki had spoken to him at all. The rest was really just icing on the cake.

"Do you have any recommendations as to what I may find more to my tastes?" Loki began to stroll around cars which had swerved off roads and passed a fire hydrant spewing water into the sky. Thor, as expected, followed like an eager puppy.

"Have you tried the bursted kernelled corn with butter and salt? Perhaps it is the way it sticks in your teeth that bothers you?" It  _was_ , but Loki was not very well going to tell Thor he was right, so made a noncommittal "hmm" noise in response. "There are Midgardian theatre snacks which you may find appeal more to your sweet tooth, brother. Gummy worms or snow caps, I suspect, might be more to your liking."

After the mention of the latter Thor froze, looking hurt and apologetic all at once, as if any minute Loki might once again denounce him and disappear. Loki didn't. It wouldn't have suited his purposes. Instead, he nodded and replied demurely, "I will take that into consideration." 'Grinning that much,' Loki thought, 'must be at least a little painful.'

Then the Man of Iron showed up in his ridiculously flashy suit and said to Thor, "Uh, dude, family bond  _after_ you apprehend the nutjob villain. Casualties and property damage, remember?"

Ah, yes, it was still raining giant kernelled corn. "My brother meant no harm," said Thor, "he was merely expressing his displeasure at this inferior Midgardian snack food. Not everything can be as worthy of gods as pop tarts."

Thor glanced around at the surrounding carnage. He began hesitantly. "Brother, I know you enjoy drama, and I do not mean to imply that your opinions are not worthy of such a grand display, but… perchance a 'Blog' might be better suited to your purpose?" Years of living together had taught Thor to tread lightly, or at least lumber less awkwardly, when it came to matters concerning Loki's feelings. Perhaps he could be a  _little_  touchy sometimes.

Loki pursed his lips, but the day had paid off, as the time Thor spent regaling stories of past tantrums to Stark, Loki used to escape, teleporting away. The popcorn disappeared with him, and, well, if he did indeed start a "Blog" later that evening, it had _nothing_ to do with Thor's suggestion. Loki had always done as he pleased, and the Blog proved useful and served its purpose


	4. Chapter 4

Iron Man himself would be more complex, not because of who the man was, or because he already had everything a mortal could want, but because to get the Man of Iron he also had to get the lady Pepper. Loki loved complex plans, and he was sure Miss Potts would prove difficult. Step one, though, was simple. Shoved up against the wall to Stark's lab with a repulser aimed at his face and a hastily demanded "Give me one good reason not to," Loki smiled.

"Have you ever had a god, Stark?" Stark raised his eyebrows, somewhere between shocked and incredulous. "I don't bottom," he stated. "Good," Loki replied, "Because I do not intend to top."

Stark's battle style from then on held a lot fewer attacks and a lot more dirty jokes and flirtatious banter. Keeping up semi-regular rendezvous with Stark, Loki decided to approach the Pepper problem more directly.

During a confrontation about his intentions towards Tony, ("Neither pure, nor especially villainous."), with which Miss Potts seemed relatively satisfied, he asked what price she asked for not reporting his presence in the Tower to Fury. "Besides not hurting anyone?" She snorted somewhat derisively. "Paperwork."

"Paperwork?"

"Yeah, sure," she said. "Getting Tony to do anything office related is a _pain_. If you can manage to get Tony to do Stark Industries paperwork, I don't care  _what_ you two get up to."

Obviously she did not have any expectation of him succeeding. When next Loki lay lazy and satisfied betwixt Stark's sheets he queried; "Why do you not do paperwork? Lady Potts says you refuse." He trails a finger absent-mindedly across Stark's chest, tapping lightly on the ark reactor. "Surely you knew going in that such menial tasks would be required. Why do you insist on avoiding it?"

Tony narrowed his eyes. "I sense more than pillow talk here, Rudolph. You wanna know? What's in it for me if I answer?" Loki considered this. Obviously sex was already available to Stark, and Loki was not yet comfortable letting Stark's science prod at his magic.

"…Did you know, Stark, that as a shape shifter I can take the form of a woman?" He let the change flow over his body, the sheets showing just enough of ample curves to intrigue Stark into answering honestly. "Time. Paperwork takes up loads of time I could be using to invent things, or bother Fury, or-"

"Lie with me?" It was both a suggestion for the list and an invitation. The sheet slid lower.

So, if Stark had more time he would do the paperwork Lady Potts demanded of him? Intriguing.

A visit to Asgard was in order, or, more accurately, a visit to Frigga. Anyone who has ever had siblings near to them in age knows how to play the "that's not _fair_ " card. Since Thor required his mortal as a behavioral incentive it was a sure bet that Odin would allow Loki his own rather than deny them both. Still, it was Frigga Loki explained his want of the mortal to, and Frigga he made pleading eyes at. Loki had always been a bit of a Momma's boy, and he did not want to risk this. Besides, Odin would hardly be wise if he did not defer to his wife in matters concerning the son he clearly did not understand.

A small smile and a nod from Frigga confirmed this. "I think it will be good for Loki. Perhaps it will teach him responsibility as it has Thor." Mortal pet indeed. Still, one of Iddun's apples was obtained, and after presenting it to Tony, Loki added another check to his mental task list.

Tony's reaction was an amusing bonus. Loki held up the shimmering golden apple from what had become "his side" of the bed. Being closer to his targets was convenient, and with Pepper's permission now ensured he may as well stay. Stark could be entertaining to observe on occasion, and the Widow was fun to gossip with over celebrity magazines.

Tony's eyes went comically large. Loki smirked. "Pick up your jaw from the comforter, Stark."

"Oh my god. Oh my  _god_. That's a magical apple. Is that for me? Will I be immortal if I eat that? Oh my god, what's the catch? You can't want money, you're a _villain_. Anything you can't conjure you can steal. Or, hell, I've heard you argue, you could talk a nun out of her virginity. What could you  _possibly_  want?"

Loki gave a Cheshire smile, all teeth, and went for the kill. "Paperwork."

"Paperwork?"

"Yes, paperwork. Miss Potts was quite adamant, you see." Tony groaned and threw himself back on the pillows. "It had to be  _paperwork_. She's corrupted you. Oh, god, an eternity of  _paperwork_." It only took a few whispers of what, besides paperwork, that time could also be used for to get Tony's agreement.

The next morning Loki dragged Pepper off the elevator and through the living room towards the kitchen. "Loki, I don't understand what exactly is so very important you had to pull me out of a meeting for- Oh my god. It's before noon. Tony is up before noon and he's not in his lab. Did he go to sleep?"

"Of course," Loki replied, "he slept seven hours and has had breakfast. I cooked for him." Pepper put her hand to her chest and stumbled into a chair. "Is he- Is he doing  ** _paperwork_**?" Tony flipped another page and the bird simultaneously, reading something before initialing.

"Pep, babe, it was really not cool of you to corrupt my new boyfriend the dark side of the office arguments, but you've got to try these croissants." She seemed to be hyperventilating by that point.

Hissing to Loki in a whisper, as if scared to startle Stark into realizing he was doing something responsible, "How on earth did you get him to read what was put in front of him? I have to fight every step of the way to get him to scrawl an X on a line!"

Loki smiled smugly. "It was merely a matter of finding out why he wouldn't do it before, and convincing him that wasn't an issue. So?" Loki raised an eyebrow expectantly. Eyes still wide, Pepper said shakily, "You have my blessing." She kept her gaze on Stark on her way out of the kitchen, bumping into two chairs and the corner of the doorway as she went. The king was down, and only one more queen before Loki could take care of the bishop and the knight.


	5. Chapter 5

**a/n: reminder that this work is years old, so cut me some slack when it's juvenile.**

 

Loki's gaze swept the empty room side to side.

"Jarvis?" he called out.

"Sir?"

"I would like to know your thoughts on the matter."

The A.I. paused only briefly before replying. "My main objectives are Mr. Stark's happiness, and Mr. Stark's safety. I have calculated your actions, and the adjustment to Sir's health more than counter-balances any additional risk you pose, even without the addition of the 'Magic apple,' sir."

"So?" Loki asked, hoping for a clearer answer.

"Welcome to the family, Mr. Laufeyson."


	6. Chapter 6

One day the Avengers, sans the Hulk, (due to excessive use of force) and Hawkeye, (still away on extended mission), noticed a change in Captain America's demeanor while capturing Loki.

Loki had been changing all the automobiles into Flintstone style runners after one too many exposures to the pure _ridiculousness_ of Boomerang. (The team was just rather glad he hadn't taken to Powerpuff Girls or Smurfs.) Really, the god was being more a nuisance than a hazard.

Steve, when he held Loki's arms behind his back, used only one hand in a rather loose grasp, and looked more guiltily apologetic than righteously indignant. Loki escaped, much to the Soldier's apparent relief. Upon arriving back at the Tower Steve was questioned by Tony. "How'd he get you? You're like, the ultimate boyscout!

Steve, predictably, tried to avoid the question. His flustered stuttering was as much of a giveaway as anything else. "I-I have no idea what you mean? How did who what?" The affect was furthered by the scarlet blush flaming his cheeks. Tasha was lounging against the countertop in an uncharacteristically feminine dress, and Tony was taking the spare moment to skim some Stark Industries files.

Natasha nodded towards the fridge. "Don't even try it, Rogers. There's an actual  ** _list_** now. For some reason the resident trickster has made it his goal to be on everyone's good side." Sure enough, on a pale orange shopping sheet magnet decorated with kittens and paw prints of all things there was a list of names. It read as follows:

The Widow (Queen)

The Oaf (Idiot)

Stark (King)

Lady Potts (Queen)

The A.I. butler (Queen)

The Soldier (Knight)

The green beast/scientist (Bishop)

The Man of Fury (Pawn)

Bird Barton (Rook)

All except for the last three were checked off. Steve's brow furrowed in thought. "…Why are we all chess pieces except Thor? And Fury's a pawn?" Tony snorted. "Yup. Lokes drew up that list himself, it wasn't even my bad influence. Nickie-boy the Cyclops just isn't important. Now, spill. How did Captain-Honor-and-Valor get reeled into this web? Not that there's any escaping it."

"I-he-" Steve sighed and relented. "A bunch of teachers at schools for the blind got turned into spiders and frogs." Natasha raised her eyebrows. "Why…" "This prompted some investigation into the schools, and they were discovered to be a front for beating and whoring out those kids.  _Blind_  kids! For a bit of a power rush for some sickos and pedophiles who wanted to feel important!"

The blue eyed soldier looked livid. He took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly, visibly calming. "I get envelopes taped to the door of my room sometimes. They'll have a newspaper clipping or missing person's report. It's completely random, except they're always accompanied by a picture of a slug, or a toad, or cockroach, and a picture of one of the kids from that school. They're always healthy and happy, doing something normal like a kid should, swimming or sledding or at the park."

He sighed, and leaned against the wall, posture hunched in on itself. "Yeah, Loki's an agent of Chaos, I have a responsibility, I get that, I do. But, whenever I try and get up my resolve I see one of those laughing kids in my mind and wonder if maybe he isn't so bad. He obviously has a heart. He could have just exposed the scandal and sent those people to jail. Tracking them down like this, it seems personal. He isn't beyond empathy."

"God," Natasha groaned, fingering a ruby hairpin holding her bangs to the side, "You make me feel so shallow."

"Hey!" said Stark, putting down the folder now that he'd gone through the whole thing. "It isn't petty if it's self-indulgence. You're too high strung; you deserve something to be happy about. You can feel pretty without being in disguise on some assignment. You have just as much right as anyone else." They both turned and stared at Tony as if he'd grown a second head. He threw his hands up and left the room with a grumbled "I can be considerate and insightful, too! I'm so underappreciated."

The two remaining occupants of the room watched Tony storm off in a characteristically dramatic huff before returning their gazes to the list on the fridge. "So…Bruce next, huh?" Steve asked, seeming skeptical. "Well," Natasha replied, "it's not as if we thought he'd be able to get to you either. I'm sure if the hulk doesn't kill him immediately he'll be able to work something out with Dr. Banner."

She grabbed her coffee off of the counter and left, leaving Steve to wonder at Loki's apparent soft spot for children. He could recognize righteous indignance when he saw it, and wondered why those blind children had been able to incite Loki's angry wrath upon their abusers.


	7. Chapter 7

**a/n: no guys, for real, i'm not even proofreading most of this, it's literally my first ever multi chapter fanfiction, and also trash. give me kudos anyway though.  
**

Thor was on Asgard, Tony was out doing paperwork, and Natasha was on assignment and then going window shopping to bring back a list for Stark to purchase for her. Barton was still on assignment, and Rogers was out rescuing kittens from trees or some such nonsense. It was one of the rare occasions where Loki was not wrapped around Stark, doing random good deeds to appease the Captain, gossiping with the Widow, or arguing the merits of magic over science with Tony.

Consequently, Loki was  _bored_. It was just getting to the point where he was considering truing all of the asphalt in the city into trampolines when Banner emerged from his constant napping and experiments. The Doctor froze, awash with confusion, when he entered the living room to find Loki lying on his stomach across the couch, knees bent and feet kicking in the air, channel surfing and sipping on an iced coffee through a swirly straw, looking for all the world like he belonged there.

"Oh, yes, you. Did you not get the memo? I live here now. I was sure Stark slipped that into the e-mail alerts, right between 'Thor broke the microwave' and 'entire second floor a biohazard until further notice.'"

Bruce pressed his lips together, eyes tinting green, and took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. He pulled a phone out of his back pocket and scrolled something on the screen; probably checking said e-mail alert. Bruce sighed and sank into a recliner without a word, steepling his fingers and leaning forward to stare at Loki expectantly. There had indeed been an alert about Loki's presence in the Tower. It read simply; 'Thor's bro moved in. Giv'im a chance Brucie. Second floor's a biohazard. Tasha  _really_  can't cook.' The list of alerts continued in a similar manner, and Bruce decided to try and get more information before passing judgment.

Loki set down his coffee and swung his legs out in front of him, sitting up to address the sometimes-beast. "Jarvis," Loki called. Bruce raised his eyebrows. "Yes sir?" the A.I. inquired. "Be a dear and keep this off the record?" "All accessible recording devices are off, sir." "My gratitude." Loki now turned his full attention to Dr. Banner.

"You aren't near so much of an outcast as you think you are. I understand what it is to feel like the odd one out. I spent my entire childhood as the unwanted tagalong on my brother's adventures. You're not the only one to have smashed up some things either. I've seen the videos of when Tony was first trying to fly that suit of his. Thor and Rogers have each done their deal of damage to the tower, too, you know. Your hit count hardly rivals the Widow's, and your temper is not near so vicious as mine has been known to be. You have more patience than I, at any rate. If they have all accepted me into their admittedly exclusive fold, then surely you, even as a beast, are a part of this family. That is why I seek your acceptance now."

Loki narrowed his eyes menacingly. "However, if you dare to tell anyone that I felt inferior as parts of Thor's idiot group of thrill seeking warriors than I shall invoke every power I have access to as a trickster god to seek my revenge in the form of never ending and increasingly annoying childish pranks. You are warned." Loki sat back and waited for Banner's reply.

It came in the form of an ever so slight lift at the edges of his lips. A small smile and nod at Loki's bid for his acceptance.

"That will be all Jarvis."

"Right, I'm resuming surveillance now, Mr. Laufeyson."

"So," Bruce's smile grew. "A family, huh? What does that make me?"

Loki grinned. "You're somewhere between the reserved and quiet but intimidating older brother, and the amicable if oft worrying, mother hen." Bruce laughed.

When the others returned that evening, still sans Barton, Loki and Bruce were at the kitchen table playing cards and drinking hot tea. Another name had been checked off the list, and the next time the Hulk joined in a battle he first scooped up the entire team into an enthusiastic group hug with a shout of "Family!" and a declaration that they "Smash puny doombots together!" Iron man patted his arm awkwardly. "Okay big guy, let's put us down so we can get to smashing." Later questions on what exactly his boyfriend had said to the hulk were answered by Tony with a shrug.


	8. Chapter 8

Fury was easy; all Loki had to do was talk to him one day while he was in custody. 

 

“I’m at the top of the villainous chain, and while far from harmless, I’m not going to kill your heroes.  My rate of casualties is taking a shocking nosedive to _none_ lately, and I _know_ you’ve seen the surveillance of me helping. 

 

“There’s still the issue of you stealing the Tesseract, Mr. Laufeyson.”

 

“ _Silvertongue,_ ” he bites out, “And I’m the one who put it here in the first place!”

 

Suddenly he looks alarmed, and gives an awkward cough.

 

“Actually, I would appreciate it if you didn’t mention that to my family.  Or any aliens, really.”

 

“You did _not_ just let that slip on accident.”

 

“Okay, well, no, I didn’t.  I gave you some alarming information which, should I ever become a serious threat to your world, would no doubt get me sentenced on Asgard to imprisonment lasting longer than several of your lifetimes.”

 

“ ** _Why_?** ”

 

“Because I’m trying to-“

 

“No.  Not that.  You’re right about our surveillance.  I wasn’t asking about anything we could get with basic monitoring.  _Why did you steal the tesseract and hide it on earth?_ ”

 

“The Allfather, he stole something from me.  Something worth easily ten times more than the tesseract.”

 

Fury is obviously alarmed, and is not just going to let the matter set.

 

“What could possibly be worth-”

 

“My children!  My children, which he had _banished,_ or _hidden,_ or **_killed_** in an effort to stave off the unavoidable end of days!”

 

Loki’s breath is suspiciously shaky, and the director signals through the glass that they’re done here, to let the captive go.  He’s glad that he’s high enough up on the food chain that no one questions him, because he’s got some serious thinking to do about their alliance with a world that sacrifices kids in the name of the greater good.  Fury never was a big fan of Harry Potter.


	9. Chapter 9

**a/n: do y'all have any idea how sick of the copy and paste function i am?**

 

Later a serious conversation will be had, wherein Tony asks his lover about children, and Loki explains that Odin would never him to have any of his own.  It will go something like this:

Loki burying his face in Tony's neck, hiding or seeking comfort or both. "I am called the Bearer of Monsters. The closest to human a child of mine ever was was a daughter, Hel, born half _dead_ , yet still living. My children were prophesied to bring about the Ragnarok. As a consequence I have watched them suffer at the hands of the Allfather for actions they have not committed. It is a pain I have no wish to go through again."

"But you do want kids, Lokes?"

"The Allfather would never allow-"

"What about adoption?"

Loki looked quizzical. "What?"

"Adoption. People who don't want kids give them up to be raised by people who do. Orphans. Don't you have adoption on Asgard?"

"Orphans are raised by the next of kin. All children are valued on Asgard. In a realm of immortals children are rare. A babe is a blessing of the most treasured kind."

Loki frowned. "Wait, so you mean to tell me on Midgard people just _give away_ their children _to strangers_?"

"Well, sometimes couples pay someone to carry a child for them-"

Loki looked horrified. "They're  _traded for currency?_ "

"Okay, so that's a no on the surrogate I guess, but if you want a kid we can go to an orphanage and pick one out. I have the funds, Pepper can help with the paperwork. I should probably have an heir to the company by now anyway."

"Are there many?" Loki looked absolutely aghast, lost somewhere in his mind fretting over the idea of the many children without parents to love them when he would give anything to be able to raise his.

Loki couldn't raise his own children, and apparently the closest thing on Asgard to an adoption was the Allfather stealing baby Loki. Even that had been more of a strategic move in a war than an adoption.

"Jarvis!" Tony called out.

"Sir?"

"Get all the others in here, and call Pep, pronto. Family meeting A.S.A.P."

"Right away Sir."

As the others began to slowly trickle into the kitchen from various parts of the tower Pepper's voice came online.

"Tony?"

"Hey Pep. I've just made an executive decision, but if you want to come to the family meeting I'm sure your boss wouldn't mind. Urgent family issues and all that."

Pepper Potts sighed, having been on her way since Tony had stopped replying to her texts half an hour ago.

"I'll be there soon." Pepper wasn't concerned in the usual way. She knew Tony wasn't drunk. He hadn't been drunk since two weeks into their relationship Loki had turned all his alcohol into germ-ex to "teach him a lesson in moderation." Tony hasn't been more than buzzed since then, after it had taken him three shots downed in quick succession to realize something was up and a sip from every other bottle he owned to give up. Tony Stark was no longer seen shitfaced.

It was also unlikely that whatever he'd called about had to do with the Initiative, not only because she had been called but because Tony had said it was a _family_ meeting.

Pepper trusted her instincts, especially when her common sense backed them, and both were telling her that Loki was at the bottom of this. Whatever  _this_ was.


	10. Chapter 10

**a/n: here's this really long and arguably the best chapter, that's it , i'm out, done, finito.  have fun you crazy kids.**

Clint Barton, upon returning from an extended long term mission away from home, thought that perhaps he had returned to the  _wrong_  Avengers' Tower.

Certainly there was only  _one_  such tower in the city he was in, and he was  _fairly_  sure that he was in the right city, but the only reasonable explanations he could come up with for what he was currently viewing were that he was in an alternate universe, or that this was a joke in  _really poor taste_.

Fury was sitting on a kitchen stool in Tony's tower, (Fury! He was looking quite at home, too!) The lack of hostility on the Director's face was disconcerting, to say the very least. Of course, the next thing to set off an alarmingly loud  _what the fuck_  in Agent Barton's mind was the small child in Fury's lap, a girl of about six. She was kicking her legs and explaining, calm as you please, to the leader of the good guys, that;

"When I grow up, I'm going to be a villain, just like my mummy. I'll do magic, and argue with handsome heroes, and always get what I want, because I absolutely  _should_." Here her brow crinkled in consternation. "Don't you think so, Pirate Grampa?"

"Sweet pea, I do not doubt that you will make an excellent villain, just as soon as you're old enough."

The endearment tipped Clint over into a minor state of shock. When Fury looked up and saw him he seemed terribly blasé about encouraging a child to go into a career of crime.

"Oh, don't look at me like that. By the time she is out and about I plan to be _well_ into retirement and the havoc she wreaks will be _someone_ _else's_ problem."

This did not make the situation any clearer to Hawkeye.

"…Am I in the right Tower?" he chanced.

It suddenly seemed to occur to Fury that Agent Barton hadn't been around for quite some time.  The Director barked out a laugh.

"You haven't been updated on the new additions to the Tower. Well, in this case we'll skip the official debrief, and I'll just let the situation present itself." Fury was obviously taking his usual amount of smug sadistic enjoyment from that statement.

" _Stark!_ " Fury suddenly barked out through the doorway. Clint almost jumped at the abruptness of it, but the normalcy of Fury yelling at Tony put him slightly more at ease with the situation. Tony walked in ( _What was he doing up this early?_ ) with a toddler swung up on his hip.

"Did Isabel light something on fire again? I told you, if she's having issues with controlling her abilities, get her mum. If she's hacked your phone again, then I'd just like to reiterate that if your security was up to par then a six year old would not be able to—

“Oh, hey! Your back from wherever the he-ahh, wherever the  _heck_ you were. That is absolutely what I was going to say, and none of you precious little darlings tell your mum any different. Mason, turn and say hi to Uncle Legolas, he hasn't seen that lovely smile yet."

The young boy in Tony's arms turned and giggled, flapping one hand around in a clumsy semblance of a wave.

"Nananaba!" he babbled, showing of a rather cute pair of dimples. The lights in the tower dimmed and brightened in time with his hand raising and lowering before the power steadied again. Stark flashed a grin.

"Oh that is going to just be  _so_  much fun when he gets the hang of it. Pep, brilliant woman that she is, put in a call to Xavier about orphans who might be need of a home and some more focused instruction."

Clint cleared his throat, trying to make sense of a world where Tony Stark was deemed responsible enough by Pepper Potts to raise children. "So these kids are you and-"

"Oh  _god_  no, can you imagine how totally awkward that would be? She's dating Tasha now anyway."

Said superspy entered the room wearing a startlingly feminine beige summer dress and a charm bracelet which matched her sandals. She smiled disarmingly and cooed at Mason.

"Come here precious, come to Aunt Tasha."

"T'sha!" The toddler squirmed in Tony's arms, reaching out to her happily.

A beaming Tasha left the room with the boy, and Fury was watching Clint for reactions rather avidly while Tony sauntered over to the fridge.

"Has Izza had her snack yet? I know Nat and Pep were going to get Mason something when they went out to the Zoo. I was thinking apple slices, or maybe celery. Ants on a log… Do we still have raisins?" Tony asked Fury, and there it was again; that creepy lack of hostility in their interactions.

Bruce shuffled into the room for some coffee, absentmindedly kissing the little girl's cheek on the way by.

"Okay," Hawkeye asserted, "I think that I somehow ended up in the wrong universe. You see, I come from one where Tony Stark would be drastically irresponsible, constantly drunk, and never even consider settling down. Um, also, Natasha would be in leather and boots, and Director Fury would hate Tony Stark, no matter what, no exceptions, ever. This is all very,  _very,_ wrong."

Fury and Tony exchanged bemused smirks, eyeing him amusedly.

"Is this a joke? Because if so then this is more major weird out than ha-ha funny."

"It is actually kind of a long story-"

"And entirely Stark's fault," Fury interjected abruptly.

Bruce snorted from his corner at the coffee bar. "It can hardly be pinned on him when-"

Whatever would have come next was interrupted by Isabel's shriek of " _Muummmmyyy!_ " She scrambled with alarming speed down from her perch on top of Fury, and ran across the room.

"Mummy, mummy, mumma! Today Uncle Merida showed back up and Mason is going to the zoo with Aunt Tasha and Lady Pepper, and Grampa Fury thinks that I'm gonna make a _great_ villain when I get bigger, but he has to be retired first." She scrunched her little face up, pert nose wrinkling with distaste. "Aunt Tasha and Lady Pepper and Mason are going to look at the primates. I don't like the zoo. It _smells_."

The amused laughter that sounded in reply to that flood of information froze Clint's blood in his veins. His hands twitched for a weapon as he swung around to glare at the intruder. Although, it was admittedly difficult to maintain his anger when its object was  _wearing a glittery pink plastic princess tiara_  and being referred to as  _mummy._

" _OOOOkAAYyyyY_ , someone had better do SOME kind of explaining NOW."

Loki glanced up from where he was kneeling to address ( _his daughter?_ ) Isabel.

"Oh yes, Bird Barton. I suppose I ought to tie up the last of the loose ends to do with this particular bit of business. Isabel, darling, why don't you go and bother the good captain whilst the adults have a bit of a conversation."

She took off down the hall in a whirl of fluffy skirts and curly hair. "Grandpapa Steve!" she yelled, "Grandpapa Steve, come play ballerina with me!"

"It's actually really precious, Steve can't seem to say no whenever she asks him to wear the skirt. I think I have a video or two saved," Tony said, completely unconcerned by the megalomaniac in the crown who was settling next to the fridge.

Well, even Clint had to admit that the crown was an improvement over the goat helmet.

Tony shut the refrigerator door, going to the counter near Bruce to begin slicing up an apple. Loki stood to his full height and eyed Hawkeye rather disdainfully. The ridiculous getup and weird situation did nothing to quell Clint's urge to put an arrow through the guy's eye.

"Here is the status quo; I am still a bad guy. I have not ceased being your enemy. However, even your lovely Director over there has acknowledged, however begrudgingly, that this is the preferable situation. The lesser of evils, if you will. To maintain my place as a leading villain of this petty city you all must continue to fight and capture me as I spread chaos and destruction. I will, of course, always escape any confinements you may create to attempt to hold me, but keeping up appearances is necessary. It also does wonders for my stress levels, and the idiot parents for Isabel's soccer team annoy me like no other. I  _gave_ them an allergy list, and the rules state that whoever is providing snacks must bring an alternative for the children who can't eat peanuts. But I digress."

Here Clint was trying his best to deal with the mental image of Loki as a  _soccer mom_  of all things. Whether "deal with" meant erase or save forever for future laughs was up for debate. He was sure to have nightmares about it either way, he might as well get a few chuckles out of picturing the god making pink iced fundraiser cupcakes.

"The point, little hawk, is this. You shall not attack me outside of trying to save the day with the rest of your team. This tower is my home as well as yours, and not only do I not want to have to worry about you dropping from the air ducts to assassinate me whilst I am trying to give the little ones their bath, I would also hate the trauma that murdering you violently would cause them. Whenever Mason has nightmares not only do I lose sleep soothing him, which is bad for my complexion, but the building's entire system short circuits, and I lose all my internet bookmarks. Tedious."

Hawkeye thought over the situation and the likelihood that killing Loki would set the entire team against him. Even so, he was not quite willing to let go the mind control incident with the Chitauri.

"Why, besides the fact that it would traumatize your kids if I did, should I  _not_ kill you while you're vulnerable?"

"I have magic. Not only am I never, as you say, vulnerable, but I can also give you wings. They would, of course, only appear when you wished them too, they would be perfectly capable of holding your weight, and with practice I am sure you could become quite proficient at flying."

"I…Wings?"

So it was settled that the Thunderous Oaf; Fury, the Pawn with delusions of grandeur; the Beast Scientist; the Man of Iron; his fiery headed keeper; the Spider; the Good Captain; Bird Barton; and even Loki himself all lived happily (crazily) ever after.

The end.


End file.
